she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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