I haven't been this sober since birth.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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