those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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