You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
