I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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