oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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