Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize