I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
