What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
