Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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