ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
