I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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