Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
