Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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