He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
