I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
