The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
