Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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