My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
