allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
