My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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