i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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