So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
