My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
