Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
