this beer tastes like vomit already
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
