Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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