My liver just broke up with me...
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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