apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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