Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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