I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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