I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
