Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i already hear my dad disowning me
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
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