It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
third nipple confirmed
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