My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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