wrigley field is MILF paradise
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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