so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
