my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
