i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
