totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
