everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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