we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
