i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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