dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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