Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
