It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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