non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
