i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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