What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
