Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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