Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Everclear isn't food dammit
Drunk is not a location!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
