so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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