It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So many bounce houses so little time
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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