i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
