i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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