i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
