She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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