woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
