you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
